I Don't Want To

I don't want to.

I don't want to walk the dog. I don't want to wash these same dishes. I don't want to forgive my husband his romantic lack. I don't want to.

I don't want to face more of my own lack. Feel a sense of failure... again. I don't want to clutch this ache of lowliness. I don't want to have my bruise of discontent bumped again. I don't want to.

I don't want to have empty hours when others' are filled with “important” things. I don't want to cower in fear, afraid to step out, to trust. I don't want to be pierced by rejection one more time.

I don't want to cringe when my dreams are dashed or spew resentment when others' are fulfilled.

I don't want to. I just don't want to.

And I certainly don't want to live my life empty. Empty of Grace. Empty of Love Unyielding. Empty of Enough. Empty of Comfort. Empty of Mercy.

I don't want to live like I don't care. I don't want to cease letting go. Of hurts. Of petty misunderstandings. Of gaping wounds. I don't want to cease casting myself at the foot of His throne, “to receive mercy, and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

I don't want to quit this process of exposing who I am. I don't want to stop trusting .

I don't want to. I just don't want to.