I know I am not the only one. I can't be! (Please, oh please.) Surely there are others, like me. Who have refused, just plain chosen not to. Obey.
I was given a task, two years or more ago, to read my journals. All thirty-four of them. My Lord, has whispered, repeatedly, asking me to read them. All.
I have been like Jonah, fleeing, running in the opposite direction.
I have avoided. Ignored. Deceived myself with lies of, "Oh, you don't have to do that now! That can wait. And really? That is too hard. "
I have salved that gaping wound with self-pity and laziness. I have ducked and swerved. Anything to get out of that task.
Why have I balked at such a simple request?
Within those pages lay countless heartaches, disappointments, and confusion. The deaths of my children. The loss of homes. The devouring of cancer. To read those pages again, in my mind, meant suffering again. And who has courage for that? Why would I even want to? Besides, I might see all my failures as a wife, as a mother. I may recognize a pattern of sin or get sucked into wrong thinking and doubt. For all these reasons and more, I don't peruse those records of my life.
"There, I gave them My decrees and regulations so they could find life by keeping them.... But the people of Israel rebelled against Me, they refused to obey.... They wouldn't obey--- even though obedience would have given them life. " Ezekial 20:11-13 NLT
Did you catch that? To not obey is rebellion. Against God.
But to obey, gives life. It draws me nearer to Life, Himself.
My God? He wants to bring me life. Not suffering.
No, it will not be easy to obey, to read through all those words written in years past. But it will be good. Not only are there stories of hurt within, there are also new revelations of who my Father is. A growing knowledge of His love for me. And examples of His grace poured out on days, weeks, even years.
My intention is to heed my Father's voice. To run towards the task and not away. To sit down, journal in hand, and o-b-e-y.
Now.
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