Sunday, August 17, 2014

I Wait

I always wanted to be a wife and mother. That's it. Nothing more. Oh, okay, I also wanted to be a speaker and an author of a book or two. So here I am, thirty years later, with my youngest going off to high school. Mind you, she is the youngest of a very long line. Fifteen to be exact. I don't often mention that. It's too difficult to explain. That I have buried three of my children and grieved over two more who were gone before they were even born. Now, I mostly tell people that "I only have ten," knowing in my heart,  that I have more loves waiting for me, who are already with God.
So my youngest is going to high school. I know I mentioned that. I have to remind myself of that truth, to allow the reality of it to sink in. In realizing that, I also recognize that tomorrow they will all be gone. And then what will I do? Are my dreams still an option? Can I write? Can I speak? If so,how?
And so I wait. Still. Always. Wait. Wondering. What is the next step? What would God have me do in the days and years stretched ahead?
I mumble a quick prayer. Wish someone will invite me. Hope the words will begin to pour through my fingers like water falling off the edge of a cliff. Fast. Furious. With strength and might. Words that will quench a thirst in others and point them to my Father, who is the giver of all things. Lines and letters that will purge my heart of undone dreams. A conversation on paper, telling a story, speaking truth, giving hope and encouragement and glory, all to Him.
I read books about dreaming: A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman and Holley Gerth's book, Opening the Door to Your God-Sized Dreams.
I recognize that God, in all my eager anticipation, only wants me to pursue Him, to love Him, to obey Him. I discern my own weakness, my own inability and lack of understanding, that before God, I am but dust (Psalm 103:14). Yet, He chooses me. To delight in (Zechariah 3:17 LB). To lavish His grace upon (Ephesians 1:7-8). He picked me out to become His own daughter, to love (Romans 8:14-17) and care for (1Peter 5:7).
So, what is it that I am waiting for, again?
I think I am anticipating dreams and visions. A glimpse into the future.
But really, I am waiting for God. To show up. In big ways and small.
"Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon." Psalm 31:24 Message
Because, He always comes. Always.
Even when my youngest goes off to high school.
Even when my nest of chicks is empty.
Even when I grow weary, of waiting.
He comes.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27:14

I wait. For the Lord.

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