I felt raw.
I twisted and turned, writhing in pain.
Was there no escape? No comfort?
How can waiting cause the bile to rise?
This should be so easy. This waiting.
I've faced this before:
Vice gripping heart.
Worry like ants feasting.
I have become too adept. At loss. At suffering.
I want to shout: "I have endured too much! No More!!!"
Yet I know, in the very depths of me, I can not.
Can not turn from suffering.
And so I writhe. In anticipation.
How do I transform from twist to still?
"Wait for and expect the Lord---" Psalm 37:34 Amplified
"Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean on Him---" Psalm 37:7 Amplified
Wait for... the Lord.
Wait for... Him.
I confess, I have been waiting for the wrong thing.
I have waited for results. Waited for the knowing.
And I have expected. Heartache. Difficulty.
But I have not expected... Him.
Not here, in the raw, the writhe.
"Oh, Father, have mercy!"
"You are Good. You are Wise. You are Mighty."
I patiently lean.
And stillness comes, slowly, haltingly.
I lean harder.
"You are Sovereign. You are Faithful."
And suddenly, rest comes. And I am stunned by the comfort.
And I discover even waiting can be His love towards me.